The first love men ever experience is the love of a mother. This love is the foundation, upon which men will view and receive love. The mother-son, grandmother-son, godmother-son relationships create expectations of what many men perceive love looks like and what it feels like. Women are nurturers; this message begins as soon as they are given that first doll. The touch, the smile, the indescribable ability to comfort and support can‘t be duplicated, although many men will try. Women express love through emotions that is then shown by their actions. Women love men fearlessly, without apprehension, nor inhibitions in revealing who they are and just how much they love us. Be clear, there are no set rules or guidelines as to how women navigate their hearts: love is not just their action it is a part of them. Unfortunately this same love cannot always be reciprocated by men because to understand women, men must first understand themselves. Knowing who you are is pivotal to understanding where you have been, what you are about, and where you are going. It is by no coincidence that men often engage in relationships with women, not knowing how to connect to the intricacies of woman’s nature, spirit, heart, or emotions because this is learned through careful observation, cannot be taught, is learned by doing. The problem, contrary to popular belief, are that men can be sensitive, emotional, and many carry, yet go to great lengths to hide their insecurities in which all are traits uncommonly seen or discussed. Society teaches that men must show exterior strength at all times; masking their innate ability to be vulnerable and transparent because to do so suggests that men are weak. And yes, men do carry emotional baggage from failed relationships; past hurts, and broken hearts are haphazardly thrown or neatly folded in a suitcase, traveling everywhere these men go. There may be many bags for one man or just one for another. In each instance, all are impeded by their inability to let go; weakening the current relationship. By continuing to look upon past relationships as failures rather than relationships that were not meant to be, haunt men, burdening them forever and it will be difficult for them to love freely
No man is an island. Yet he stands alone thinking that he has it all under control. He navigates through his life constantly searching for who he is and what he wants to be. Men must learn to get out of their own way and realize that in order to truly love someone; they must relinquish all that they are for something that is much greater than themselves. Yet, in order for men to see this clearly it requires a conscious and asserted effort; first acknowledging that it is okay to give freely, but most importantly one must allow himself to heal and the only way to do that is to leave all ego, all of it, on the table. Do not go back and get it. Forget what friend’s think, what society thinks, what they were raised to believe men should and should not do.
I challenge men to be BORN again; let us start healing from within and emerge from our cocoons spun around us by past pain, doubt, failed relationships. It is time to take accountability fellas, time to hold us accountable and “Man Up”. We are not doing women a favor by lying, deceiving, or betraying them. They have and continue to have “our back from day one.”
The first love men ever experience is the love of a mother. This love is the foundation, upon which men will view and receive love. The mother-son, grandmother-son, godmother-son relationships create expectations of what many men perceive love looks like and what it feels like. Women are nurturers; this message begins as soon as they are given that first doll. The touch, the smile, the indescribable ability to comfort and support can‘t be duplicated, although many men will try. Women express love through emotions that is then shown by their actions. Women love men fearlessly, without apprehension, nor inhibitions in revealing who they are and just how much they love us. Be clear, there are no set rules or guidelines as to how women navigate their hearts: love is not just their action it is a part of them. Unfortunately this same love cannot always be reciprocated by men because to understand women, men must first understand themselves. Knowing who you are is pivotal to understanding where you have been, what you are about, and where you are going. It is by no coincidence that men often engage in relationships with women, not knowing how to connect to the intricacies of woman’s nature, spirit, heart, or emotions because this is learned through careful observation, cannot be taught, is learned by doing. The problem, contrary to popular belief, are that men can be sensitive, emotional, and many carry, yet go to great lengths to hide their insecurities in which all are traits uncommonly seen or discussed. Society teaches that men must show exterior strength at all times; masking their innate ability to be vulnerable and transparent because to do so suggests that men are weak. And yes, men do carry emotional baggage from failed relationships; past hurts, and broken hearts are haphazardly thrown or neatly folded in a suitcase, traveling everywhere these men go. There may be many bags for one man or just one for another. In each instance, all are impeded by their inability to let go; weakening the current relationship. By continuing to look upon past relationships as failures rather than relationships that were not meant to be, haunt men, burdening them forever and it will be difficult for them to love freely
No man is an island. Yet he stands alone thinking that he has it all under control. He navigates through his life constantly searching for who he is and what he wants to be. Men must learn to get out of their own way and realize that in order to truly love someone; they must relinquish all that they are for something that is much greater than themselves. Yet, in order for men to see this clearly it requires a conscious and asserted effort; first acknowledging that it is okay to give freely, but most importantly one must allow himself to heal and the only way to do that is to leave all ego, all of it, on the table. Do not go back and get it. Forget what friend’s think, what society thinks, what they were raised to believe men should and should not do.
I challenge men to be BORN again; let us start healing from within and emerge from our cocoons spun around us by past pain, doubt, failed relationships. It is time to take accountability fellas, time to hold us accountable and “Man Up”. We are not doing women a favor by lying, deceiving, or betraying them. They have and continue to have “our back from day one.”
I think we have to be willing to be totally transparent and vulnerable in order to truly receive love. Pride keeps many of us men from allowing ourselves to be in a position to be with that right woman.
ReplyDeleteBlack men need healing first. Over the last 30-plus years, many of the brightest in and outside the community have addressed these questions. But, there are many Black men who feel that the various systems around them have since failed and/or excluded them. Consequently, these men are mis-educated/undereducated, have poor emotional regulation, possess little or no work experience, are female-dependent, and have little or no healthy involvement in the productive activities that foster real self-esteem and hope for a future.
ReplyDeleteInvariably, these men come from a multigenerational experience of trauma, violence, powerlessness and poverty in their domestic, community and social settings. Even those African American men who appear to be succeeding in the mainstream are trying to survive in a nation where they’re viewed as angry, aggressive and dangerous brutes.
When the Black man suffers, everybody in the family and community suffers tenfold. It’s been said that men are responsible to cultivate hope. The presupposition is that he, himself, has hope; for how can he cultivate that which he does not have? And how can he heal from pain that he refuses to acknowledge because he believes to do so is unmanly?
Unwittingly and helplessly, Black men pass their pain on to the women and children in their lives, and the cycle of slavery’s devastating pain continues and its profits soar. And yet, there are those who still ask, “Why the focus on Black men healing?”
African American men are not responsible for America’s original sin and the pervasive structural racism built upon its foundation, but we need to take the responsibility for our healing from its devastating impacts upon us as Black men so we can be healthy crusaders with our women in rebuilding our families, vital communities and capable children.
Without healing from individual and intergenerational trauma, it’s hard to fully experience a relationship that reflects respect for all the people in the relationship, including the children, and move forward — like the Sankofa principal of looking back to move forward — towards becoming a safe and healthy part of the community.